I Talk Shit


I am part of a very elite group. No, I do not have an American Express platinum card, nor have I ever been part of the Bullingdon Club, or a member the House of Lords. Instead, I am one of the people with Tourette’s that actually swear.

And this is quite an exclusive group. Estimates vary, but anywhere between 10 and 25 percent of those with the condition experience coprolalia – the jargon term for the compulsion to say socially inappropriate phrases which pleasingly translates as “talking shit”.

“You have all the symptoms,” my consultant once told me. “All of them.”

The consultant was right. In addition to experiencing coprolalia, I have echolalia (the compulsion to repeat what others have said), echopraxia (the compulsion to imitate the gestures of others), palilalia (the compulsion to repeat what I’ve just said), and klazomania (the compulsion to shout).

And although all of these tics can be, in their own special way, a complete pain in the arse, it’s the coprolalia that does rather take the piss.

However, the phenomenon is widely misunderstood. Often, for me at least, coprolalia doesn’t even entail any cursing. Often, it’s just about being goddam rude.

For example, I regularly inform the people of the London Underground that they’re walking too slowly, and tell them to “come on” or “hurry up”. Loud people, on the other hand, will inevitably get a “shhh!” from me, and people who randomly stop at the top of escalators will be sure to receive a “MOVE!”.

Unsurprisingly, these tics can and do get me into pickles. Disgruntlement follows me wherever I go. Sometimes, people get so cross they say something. In these situations, my heart pounds. Sometimes, I leg it with my head down. Other times, I try to explain.

It’s these tics – the tics which make me tell strangers that they’re too noisy, too slow, too clumsy, or too much of a nuisance, that are far more awkward than any of the run of the mill, everyday swearing that comes out of my mouth. For example, if I randomly yell “SHIT” in a coffee shop, the general public will assume I’m a) mental, b) have Tourette’s, or c) have become very loudly and suddenly distressed. However, if I tell a dad pushing a pram to “HURRY UP” (which, mortifyingly, I did yesterday), the general public will assume I am a) goddam rude, b) goddam rude, or c) goddam rude.

These tics are also a bit awkward in the way that, unlike any of my other tics, they are actually indicative of what I’m thinking. If I let out a “bastard”, a “lemon” or a “pasta”, I am not actually thinking of bastards, lemons or pasta. However, if you just stop randomly at the top of the escalator with a queue of people behind you, and I tic at you “MOVE!”, I really do want you to move. Because it just doesn’t make sense to stop at the top of an escalator. You’re in everyone’s way.

2 thoughts on “I Talk Shit”

  1. Even as someone with tourettes, I think I’d have issues with someone incongruously swearing in a coffee shop — although in general, I’m fairly put off by people swearing and I work in an office where *everyone* swears (and my president calls african nations shitholes). When I run, I grunt…nonstop. In races, anyone anywhere near me needs to listen to it. Once in a 25K I actually explained myself to the guy who was in my orbit for several miles. I’ve actually considered making a shirt that says “Running with Tourettes” to wear in races. The tourette syndrome association distributes a card that says “Why do I cat this way? I have Tourette Syndrome…” I got one and I kept it in my wallet for a few years, but I never felt compelled to give it out. I keep waiting for my benign tics to morph into something sinister and I need to carry that card.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The swearing certainly isn’t ideal. Luckily for me, I think in the UK swearing is more socially acceptable than it is in other places. Barely ever do I come across people who are actually offended by my coprolalia.


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